Hello again everyone,
This one is very vulnerable for me. I grew up in an enviroment where yelling was normalised. Our generation heard yelling a lot. Our parents were children of war veterans, people who saw the unthinkable, experienced global tragedies and people who had to build up after WWII. The first generation where many moms had to go to work to make ends meet and a generation that moved away from families to seek opportunities. These, among many others, were all massive changes that contributed to stress being a daily part of life. Unlike today, stress was not understood as well and if you wanted to understand it you needed to go speak with a psychologist or go spend hours at the local library reading texts that don't make much sense to the lay person.
Obviously these are not excuses for yelling but they are the root cause for the reaction. Yelling feels pretty good in the moment. The pressure builds up, the thoughts start to suffocate the mind and pop goes the temper. Pushing the "depressurization" valve in this moment feels like a warm blanket on a winter's eve. BUT... the look on the receiving person's face, the terror in their eyes and the emotional damage is a horror that sticks with you forever.
We all know how we feel after we yell at someone. We all know how this makes the said person feel (unless you are completely unempathetic and clueless). IT FEELS EXTRA SHITTY.
So this is how I have made a 98% improvement to my reaction of yelling at my children and spouse:
Awareness. I forced myself to face my flaw of yelling and I forced myself to observe the consequences after the fact. This led me to apply more critical thinking as I was about to react ie: YELL.
With Awareness came Reflection: By becoming aware of the pain and destruction I caused by yelling I was led to many moments of Reflection. In these moments I analyzed the why of the event. What caused me to get so emotional? Why did I react explosively to these emotions rather than curiously? What damage am I causing to others by reacting this way? How can I try to manage my next reaction in a more helpful manner? What clues can I see coming before I react so I can go into damage control?
You have to be completely honest with these answers or else the exercise is useless.
Reflection led me to Communication: I found that talking about my emotions to my loved ones was the best way for me to circumnavigate the outbursts. Firstly, I started by apologizing and explaining why I had yelled ie: "I'm sorry I raised my voice at you. I should not have done so, I reacted to the feelings I was experiencing. I became (insert emotion) during our interaction and I did not know how to handle the moment so I yelled at you. It is not your fault and you did not cause these emotions. They are mine and I created them. I love you and I will do better. Please forgive me." Secondly, I started expressing how I was feeling in moments leading up to an outburst ie: "I am getting frustrated right now and I feel like yelling but I am trying really hard not to." Lastly, I removed myself from the event ie: "I am going to take a few minutes to go calm down. Please allow me some private time and we will continue this discussion when I come back in a calm manner."
Communication led me to Understanding: As I communicate my feelings to my loved ones, they get to be included in what is happening to me without them bearing any responsibility or ill consequences. It allows for a dialogue to evolve and for all parties to talk through things. Most arguments are a misunderstaing between parties. How often do children try to express something but don't know how? (CLUE: all the time! Hello?! They're kids!!) Adults are even worse because we get purposefully stubborn. In a well mannered dialogue we can express and allow others to express their point of view without yelling. This way people begin to understand each other.
Understanding led me to Habits: As I began to understand my children's and wife's ways of expression and quirks, I also began to understand what things triggered a reaction from me. Through this I am able to stop the reaction of yelling in its tracks and I am now used to navigating the emotions that flare up in certain situations. Now, as I pointed out in the title I am 98% of the way there. I still have work to do and I keep working on getting there but I have a healthy habit of being aware of my emotions and how to handle them.
This is a process that took me a very long time to achieve. I still work on it everyday but it is an amazing feeling to experience the satisfaction I have when my children answer with a smiling resounding YES after I ask them if I am doing better at raising my voice.
I challenge you to confront yourself and face the reactions that cause unhelpful and unwanted disruptions in your life.
Ask yourself this:
Would I behave this way in a public?
Would I want to be spoken to in this manner?
How would a complete stranger in the street react if I treated them this way?
Do I want my children and loved ones living with this version of me?
A story lives in my mind regarding yelling and succumbing to my unhealthy reactions:
"A father noticed his young adolescent had trouble with yelling at people and bursting out in anger. One day the father took his son out to the back yard and handed him a box of nails and a hammer. He told him 'Every time you burst out in anger I want you to go hammer one of these nails to the fence post' A week later the father and son went to inspect the fence post and the father asked ' What do you see son?' The son replied 'A lot of nails in the post' the father said 'What does this tell you?' The son replied by saying 'I allowed my anger to get the better of me many times this week' The father then asked his son to reflect on his numerous outbursts and asked him to start apologising to all he became angry with. A week later the father and son went back out to the yard and the father handed his son the hammer and asked him to remove one nail for each apology he gave in the previous week. The son proudly took the hammer and removed every single nail in the fence post. He turned to his dad with a smile and said ' Aren't you proud of me dad? I apologised to all the people I yelled at.' The father replied to his son ' Look at the post son. What do you see?' As the son looked at the post in a very puzzled manner he shrugged and said ' Holes in the fence post where the nails used to be?' His father looked at his son with compassion and said this ' Every time you yell at someone, even though you apologize you leave a mark on them like the nails left holes in the post' ".
This story really hits home for me as I do not want to be the source of pain and emotional scars to anyone. Yes apologizing is necessary and it helps but apologizing should not be the end goal. The end goal should be to be able to handle our own emotions in a way that others don't get affected by them in an unhealthy way.
Let me know if this post helped you in any way and as always please reach out if you need guidance and support with your life.
Have a wonderful day everyone and thank you for reading.
Franck
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