Hi there!
I hope you are well. Today I wanted to share my knowledge on how to communicate with people using compassion and avoiding unhelpful emotions.
Emotions are a necessary part of life ,unless you want to be a robot...
ALL of us experience emotions. Some help us, like the ones that get us to think and act rationally, others are unhelpful, like the ones that blind us to our surroundings and keep us hooked into an ever revolving emotional loop.
It has been said by a few modern philosophers that the key to happiness is healthy communication. I would have to agree that happiness, for me, does include a big dose of understanding how to communicate effectively with the people around me.
Think about it for a minute, what caused the last argument you had? Why did your pizza come with the wrong toppings? Why was the sports play not executed well?....
Because somewhere along the line you better believe someone did not communicate their thoughts clearly enough and compassionately enough to the next person.
So what's the solution to this???? The solution to this is the same as how do you play a game or drive a car....? YOU LEARN.
I am not an expert at communicating BUT I do it damn well ( I had to learn how to communicate well for the sake of my sanity and for the sake of the relationships I value most).
Communicating well does not mean the recipient will not get upset or react unfavorably. Communicating well means your thoughts, feelings and intent will be presented the way you have it in mind and in a way the recipient is most likely to understand it.
So here are a few steps I use to make sure I communicate with compassion and avoid including unhelpful emotions:
Ask for permission to share your thoughts and feelings. Some people just aren't ready (physically or emotionally) to hear what you have to say. By asking and receiving permission you increase the chances of your message being received clearly and fully.
Use attentive wording ie; I am noticing..., I experienced..., For me... This avoids judgement and allows your message to be presented as an observation.
Allow your body to be open and neutral vs closed off. Sit/stand in front and slightly to the side of the person you are speaking with (but don't square off!), keep your arms from crossing over your chest, soften your facial expressions and perhaps give your head a slight tilt but not too much to portray pity :)
Express yourself from a place of love. Even if you're upset about something, focusing on love will ensure your emotions don't become volatile.
Be 100% honest, clear and concise. If you found importance in sharing your thoughts then why would you screw this opportunity up by hiding the truth? Yes the truth can come across harsh but remember the love bit in step 4, this will make sure you don't sound harsh. Use as few words as possible and be clear, so perhaps rehearse in your mind a couple of times. This will ensure you express only what has to be expressed and you'll probably find you'll leave out a bunch of fluff after 2-3 rehearsals.
Ask for feedback ie; how does this land for you? Does this make sense to you? What are your thoughts about what I just shared with you? This validates your concern and respect for the other person's thoughts. If the relationship is important to you then you want to know what the other person is thinking. If not, well.......
Don't become defensive and argumentative when presented with resistance and push back. Be respectful, gentle and acknowledge the other person's response and behavior ie; I see you are raising your voice, I feel you are embarrassed because you became quiet, is this correct? etc... (only describe what you notice and hear, DON"T try to become a mind reader, this leads to big issues).
People have written books about communicating effectively and rightly so! It's such an important skill to master for all facets of life. But if you start off with these 7 little steps you'll be on your way to communicating compassionately in conversations that might mean the world to you, and you don't want to screw those up!
Thanks for reading!
Franck
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